chapter 1

TCB:

Tell Me More

If you think about it, you'll realize that every interaction you have, from negotiating with your parents about that party that they think is a bad idea to talking about your crushes with your friends, from swiping right to meeting in real life, has some mix of TCB. When trust, compassion, and boundaries are all in the right balance, being with someone feels effortless. You are relaxed about being yourself. You look forward to spending time together. You care about them and trust that they care about you. You have deep feelings, but there's no drama. But if just one of these three elements is out of whack, things can become problematic.

Trust is the ability to feel safe in a relationship. It is a belief you have in a person or situation that you will be safe. Trust is guided by instinct (after all, babies trust that their mother will care for them just seconds after they've met), but it is also affected by experience, and it has everything to do with how you approach relationships later in life. A baby who cries because they are hungry is expressing a feeling. And if their cries are ignored, they learn two things: they can't trust that the people closest to them understand them, and they can't depend on having their needs met.

      Trust is something that must be earned, based on shared respect, clear communication, and lack of exploitation. Where there is mutual trust, compassion naturally follows, and boundaries are respected. Trusting someone means you know that your feelings are valued and appreciated by the other person.

      For such a powerful thing, trust can be fragile. Think of it like a tower of blocks. You can spend a lot of time building a complicated structure, but with one false move, everything can come crashing down. It doesn't even have to be on purpose. Sometimes, an outside force sets things in motion. The most common example I can think of is someone who cheats in a relationship. Maybe they had been slowly pulling blocks out of the relationship with other untrustworthy actions (lies, evasions, omissions) until the structure was weak and one obvious act wrecked it all. Maybe they made a bad decision in a single moment. In any case, as soon as they cheated, they destroyed the trust between them and their partner. Breaking someone's trust can feel terrible, and losing the trust of someone you love feels even worse.

      It can happen in friendships, too. The little things start to add up. It can start with your best friend still following your ex-boyfriend on Instagram, even though he lives in another state. Then you notice that they are posting pictures of group hangouts that you were not invited to. Little signals are being sent: you are not prioritized. If there isn't an open line of communication, this thing could lead to a blowout. Or even the end of the friendship.

      Like a tower of blocks, trust can be rebuilt. Just like you can rebuild a tower one block at a time, you can begin to restore trust one consistent act at a time. Repairing trust that has been damaged takes patience. And, just like your tower of blocks, as you start to rebuild, you might question whether it is as sturdy as it was before. You might worry it's going to crumble every time you place a new block. It might wobble or sway. It might take longer to rebuild than it did to build the first time, but you keep building. Or you might even decide that it is going to take too much time to build it up again. You might just walk away. Once trust is damaged, there is slow, steady work that must be done to repair the relationship. And whether you keep going until you have something as strong and steady as before is mostly up to you.

      Compassion is the ability to be open to the experiences of others without judgment or prejudice. For instance, if your friend tells you that their family cat died, you should extend your support in whatever way they need. You can be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or whatever the situation demands. Compassion goes hand in hand with empathy, which is the powerful ability to step into another person's shoes. Empathy doesn't mean that you have had the same reaction to any particular experience as someone else, but when you have empathy, you can feel what someone else feels, and understand it fully, without being personally overwhelmed.

      People who are empathetic pick up on other people's feelings easily. People who are less empathetic may have to start by imagining what the other person might be feeling. Either way, active effort to feel empathy leads to compassion, helping you to be aware of your own biases. Learn how to listen to different experiences. Compassion without empathy can feel patronizing, and empathy without compassion is essentially impossible. There are definitely times when I wish I had more empathy and compassion. Especially for my brothers when we were growing up. One time, Douglas had been playing Crash Bandicoot and he was on the final level, but I wanted to watch the TV. YOINK! I pulled the plug to the game console out of the wall. He immediately started crying--weeks of working on getting to that level, gone. When I did it, I was only thinking of myself. I didn't take that important second of imagining how my actions would affect him. I don't think he will ever forgive me for that one. (This episode might also have done a number on the trust my brother had that I would control my impulses!)

      Boundaries are invisible protective lines around your feelings and your body that you create based on your experiences. Boundaries give you feedback on what you can tolerate in interactions with others--beginning even before you can talk. Can you ever remember your parents telling you that you had to hug your uncle with the scary beard, even though you didn't want to? Or scary-bearded uncle ignoring your frantic head shaking no and coming in for a big hug anyway? Classic lack of respect for a preverbal tot's boundaries. It's a well-intentioned attempt to demonstrate family affection, but if your clear messages about your own space and desire--or lack thereof--for contact are ignored, it can shape your attitudes toward physical touch in ways you don't even realize.

      Healthy boundaries are what allow trust and compassion (and empathy) to coexist. Your boundaries keep you comfortable in your physical body and also help protect your individual identity by allowing you to remain present but in control when you are exposed to the feelings and experiences of others. It is perfectly normal, and even important, for you to test and define and redefine your boundaries. But be aware: if your boundaries are wobbly, when another person expresses strong feelings, your brain can react as if those are your own feelings and experiences. You'll be perfectly fine, and then someone with drama comes into your life, and if your boundaries are not strong, the next thing you know you're dragged down with them. Someone else's strong feelings can break through weak boundaries, putting you at risk of catching those feelings--like an emotional flu.

Knowing how something is supposed to work and seeing it in action can be two different things. Let's take a look at how using TCB can help in even the most awkward situations.

Alex and Mia were really good friends until the night Mia kissed Alex's boyfriend at a house party. To Mia, it meant nothing because she was totally drunk and thought Alex would understand. Mia doesn't even like Alex's boyfriend, and everyone knows that she gets super affectionate with everyone when she is partying. Mia would never consciously do anything to hurt Alex. But now Alex won't even text her back.

BONUS QUESTION: Did Alex's boyfriend have Mia's consent to kiss her?

ANSWERS: 1. True, 2. True, 3. True (but this is hard!), 4. Also true. Bonus question: He did not! You can't get consent from someone who is under the influence.

How'd you do in your first TCB quiz? For some of you, the answers may have been obvious. Others may be wondering why Mia and Alex are making such a big deal of things. There's no denying their friendship has been affected. So, what can be done to get TCB back in this friendship? First of all, Mia needs to quickly take responsibility for her actions. It's hard, but it's the only way to begin to regain Alex's trust. And Mia needs to be patient as her friend works her way toward beginning to trust her again. Being honest does not mean there will be no consequences. There could be some sustained gossip (but that will die down soon). But taking responsibility will put Mia back in the position of ownership of what is happening.

      Should Alex have compassion for Mia? She might try to understand what happened by asking herself why her friend behaved the way she did. And Alex should have compassion for herself. She might be angry or embarrassed or sad, and she is entitled to her feelings. She doesn't have to play it off as if this breaking of trust doesn't mean anything. If the friendship is worth anything to Alex, she will find a way to not stay angry.

      As for boundaries, we don't know who initiated the kiss, but I can guarantee that both Mia and Alex's boyfriend need work on holding healthy boundaries.

      Partying played a role here too. I suspect if Mia had not been drinking, she never would have crossed this line. Mia needs to think about her relationship to alcohol. (For more on this, see how you can TCB in your relationship to substances in chapter 14.) Alcohol (and other substances) can really mess with TCB. Being under the influence weakens boundaries and impairs decision-making. And it's hard to trust a person who can't take responsibility for their actions.

Not being able to access TCB is a major reason why someone who is under the influence cannot reliably give consent. If you are ever in a situation where you see something like this happening with one of your friends, don't be a bystander. If your stomach drops when you see something: do something. Don't assume that someone else will take care of it, because it's likely that everyone else is also assuming the same thing. Tap your friend on the shoulder and ask, "How are you doing?" when you think they're in danger of crossing a line. Lean on your capacity to practice TCB when you feel like someone else can't. Maybe then you can help guide your friends into making fewer damaging choices.

Being able to recognize where TCB is out of balance doesn't just apply to crushes, hookups, boyfriends, girlfriends, or any sort of romance. If you look carefully, you'll notice it in all of your relationships. Let's see if you can tell how it's working (or not) in this friendship:

Lauren and Jane are getting into huge blowout fights in the halls in front of the lockers where everyone can see, and now they are making every girl in the class take sides. Sianalee's not involved, and she doesn't want to be involved, but when Jane asks her whose side she's on, she takes Jane's side--because she's better friends with Jane. And when Lauren asks to talk with her about what's going on, Sianalee feels like she has to act like Lauren's done something wrong. This leaves Sianalee feeling bad.

Some of you may be thinking, "Of course I would take my friend's side! I'm a loyal friend!" Whereas others don't get why it should even be an issue--fights happen. However, this is a prime example in seeing how the boundaries in TCB can get wishy-washy. School is hard enough alone, but then you add the social aspect: WHAMMO! It's even more complicated. But let's take this scenario step-by-step to see where the problem lies.

      The primary problem is between Lauren and Jane. They do not trust each other, they do not have compassion for each other, and they are definitely not respecting each other's boundaries. But even though the problem is between them, they are making it everyone else's problem. The best solution would be for the two of them to work it out. They might not be able to see the real issues. But the fact is that people who have trusting, compassionate, and respectful relationships don't tend to get into screaming matches in public. So, agreed, Lauren and Jane should work out the problem on their own. If they can't? They should go to an adult they trust for help.

      It was unfair of Jane to ask Sianalee to pick sides--it was a massive violation of Sianalee's boundaries. Sianalee needs to know that she does not have to take sides. (You never have to take sides.) In fact, it is smartest to remove yourself from situations that are chaotic and do not involve you, even if it involves someone you have trust and compassion for. If Sianalee had checked in with TCB, she would have asked herself: Is my friendship with Jane strong enough to survive without publicly "taking her side"? Can I feel compassion for both people involved? Are my own boundaries strong enough that I can choose to not get involved?

      And finally, Sianalee should have compassion for Lauren. Sianalee could have told Jane that, even though she understood that Jane and Lauren had issues, and even though she supports Jane, she doesn't feel right taking sides in public. She could have said that since Lauren asked her what was going on, maybe Lauren feels bad about the way things are. She could tell Jane that while neither of them have to be friends with Lauren, they don't have to treat her badly either. Even if you don't like a person, you should practice having compassion for them, because everyone deserves to be treated with compassion, no matter who they are. I'm sure you've heard it before, but you should treat others how you want to be treated. We're trying to build a better world, right? It starts here.

What happens when you approach situations with TCB in mind? Let's look at an example of TCB working to the benefit of everyone involved.

Taladega and Scorpion have been friends since the third grade, and Scorpion has been secretly in love with Taladega ever since. Now a sophomore in high school, Scorpion can't take it anymore and needs to tell Taladega how they feel. Scorpion texts Taladega to ask, "Hey, I want to tell you something. Is now a good time?"and Taladega responds back, "Absolutely." So they decide to meet after school. When they finally do talk, it turns out that Taladega does not have reciprocal feelings--unfortunately for Scorpion. Scorp is obviously devastated, but they are glad that they got their feelings off their chest. Taladega tells Scorpion that they need a little space to process what just happened, and Scorpion agrees. They don't talk for two months.

This example shows something important: practicing TCB is hard work. Even though the situation was painful, the two teens were able to communicate their feelings to each other without attacking or actively trying to hurt each other. Scorpion did the right thing by telling Taladega their true feelings about them. Instead of holding them in and feeling like they were going to go crazy, they took a risk for the betterment of their friendship. Texting Taladega and asking if they were ready to receive heavy info was incredibly compassionate. (It's also a great example of asking for consent!)

      If you're interested in someone, it might seem easier to text a slurry of drippy, gooey feelings. You might think it's easier to say how you feel without having to experience the other person's reaction in real time. But more times than not, if you're feeling that way, it's because you suspect that the expression of your feelings might feel awkward for the other person. And just dumping your feelings on someone else assumes that their boundaries are strong enough to handle what you are sending their way. Considering how your announcement might be received before you say it is having compassion for the person who is on the receiving end.

      Even though Taladega does not have mutual feelings, they definitely have good boundaries. They did not make Scorpion feel uncomfortable or undesirable. They made it obvious that they valued the friendship, and it was mature to ask for space to process the new information. Taladega could have ghosted, but they were willing to tell their friend what they needed. Allowing your friend to know what's going on internally is a kindness.

      The open line of communication between Scorpion and Taladega allows them to interact with each other while practicing TCB. Even though it didn't end in a new romance, the two were able to grow through interacting with each other while practicing TCB. If they've been friends since the third grade, that means that they've been friends for eight whole years! That's a long time! And that history doesn't just dissolve when you don't physically see each other. If your friend moved across the country and they no longer live in your neighborhood, that doesn't mean they are no longer your friend. Sure, you'll have experiences without them, and grow a few inches, and maybe kiss somebody before you see them again, but you will always have the friendship that you had.

      Read on to see how consent is a way of constantly testing how TCB is holding up at any given moment in your interaction with someone else. When things start to feel a little blurry, it is wise to check for whether you trust the other person, whether you are practicing compassion, and whether you are respecting their boundaries. But more importantly: Do you trust yourself? Do you have compassion for yourself? And are your boundaries intact? Checking in with TCB helps us learn more about ourselves while interacting with each other. It's a long, difficult road, but we are gonna break it down for you, step-by-step.

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Excerpted from It Doesn't Have to Be Awkward: Dealing with Relationships, Consent, and Other Hard-To-Talk-about Stuff by Drew Pinsky, Paulina Pinsky
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.